I've had enough.

It’s about 7pm, and I’m walking home from the library. I’ve had a knot in the pit of my stomach since I looked out the window when I finished my work and realised it was dark. I am alone. I hear a man’s voice behind me and my breath catches in my throat. He passes by me. I see a man standing outside a door start walking as I’m passing him. I start walking faster. I can feel my heart beating.

This is the reality of being a woman. It has been ingrained in me since I was 12 years old and my dad told me to take the dog with me when I was walking to my village shop for the first time by myself. I am constantly aware of my own frailty. I am constantly aware that in the dark, alone, I am unsafe. I have been conditioned to believe that I must be hyper vigilant, that I am responsible for what happens to me at the hands of men.

You might say that nothing’s going to happen to me, that my fears are in my head. Tell that to my friend who was picked up in a taxi and taken back home for free because the driver saw that she was being followed. Tell that to my friend who was followed home from a night out and assaulted. Tell that to me, who was followed (in the daytime) by a man. When I crossed the road, he did too. When I sped up, so did he. I balled my fist up in my pocket. I felt like I was going to vomit. Finally when I got to a bus stop with lots of people I turned around and asked why he was following me. Only then did he leave me alone. Tell any woman you know that her fear is in her head, and she’ll have a story for you.

You might say that “it’s not all men”. I’m glad to hear that you’re not going to assault me - thanks. But just because you’re not the kind of person who follows women home, who lurks in dark alleys, who even befriends women, gains their trust and then assaults them, does not mean that there are not hundreds and hundreds of other men out there who are doing just that. Hold each other accountable. How is that so hard to understand. I am not attacking you (unless you assault women, in which case I very much am attacking you). Put your ego aside and listen to women. Think twice about jumping to the defence of your friend if he’s been accused of assault. 

You might talk to me about false accusations. To that I have to say: I was assaulted. It wasn’t sexual assault, but I reported it - to an internal authority, not even to the police - and it was the worst 6 months of my life. Believe me, I tried not to say anything. I held it in and held it in and held it in until it burst out of me. I rewrote the narrative in my head so it was my fault. I told myself I was pathetic and that I should just get over it a hundred thousand times. But it didn’t work.

I not only had to open the wound and recount it in front of people I didn’t know for hours, but after that I lost friends. People were saying they didn’t believe me. That I reported it so late I must have made it up. I was severely depressed and anxious for months. I didn’t know who to trust, I felt like everyone hated me. 

Now, do you think I did that for revenge? To ruin someone’s life? Do you think I would have voluntarily put myself through that if I didn’t think it was absolutely a last resort, that I would have to drop out of my degree if I didn’t do something? Think about it. Think about all the women who try to report sexual assault and are told there is insufficient evidence, that even though they have bruises it is not enough. Think about how likely it is that you would put yourself through a trial, in court, where you have to open up the most painful parts of yourself to people you’ve never met, when there’s a huge risk that nothing will come of it. Of course, false accusations do happen, but not quite as often as everyone would like to think. Stop using it to shut women up when they try to talk about their pain.

I have had enough of women being disbelieved over and over and over just so we can maintain the privileged position of men in our society. I am tired of people not standing up and saying “Hey, it’s really fucked up that women don’t feel safe walking home at night by themselves, how about we do something about that? How about we start teaching men how to stop making women feel unsafe, rather than holding women accountable for their own safety?”. Of course, I don’t mean that. Women are standing up and saying it. But we’re being labelled ‘angry feminists’. You’re right. I am angry. How about you stop drawing attention to the obvious in an attempt to discredit me and start helping me make things better.